


Clean Up On Aisle Five

by grey2510



Series: Misc SPN Works (<15k words) [21]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Astroglide, Implied improper use of vegetables, In front of my (pre) salad??, M/M, POV Outsider, the official lube of destiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-20 09:12:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13714557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grey2510/pseuds/grey2510
Summary: Just a normal Saturday at the grocery store...and some questionable purchases.





	Clean Up On Aisle Five

**Author's Note:**

> There is one part where another character misinterprets something that Dean says as a homophobic slur, but it's cleared up. See the end notes if you're concerned.

Marcie's knee cracks audibly as she crouches to rearrange the display of candy and gum and batteries and other "last minute" stuff by her register. Doors had opened only two hours ago, and after the rush of minivan moms trying to get their shopping done before whatever family fun they have planned for their Saturdays, the place has now settled into a lull, waiting for the post-lazy morning and brunch crowd.

Behind her, the automatic doors slide open while two gruff voices bicker.

"I'm telling you, man, we shoulda kept going, see if we could find a hardware store, grab some WD-40."

"Dean, your finger is turning purple. The nearest hardware store is several miles away."

"Ok, fine, but there's a garage next door, Cas. They coulda hacked this sucker off."

"They weren't open and I'm not letting you break in so that you can steal tools to cut off your own finger."

"I wouldn't cut off my finger! Jesus, Cas, who rebuilt Baby from the ground up? Who keeps your piece of shit truck working, huh?" There's a grunt. "Fucking iron. Why couldn't they be allergic to silver like everyone else?"

Marcie straightens up to find the two men glaring at each other. The one in a suit and a beige trench coat with dark, messy hair narrows his eyes at the lighter haired man in a dark canvas jacket, jeans, and boots, who juts out his chin defiantly.

"Butter or some type of oil or lotion would still be preferable, and it's more convenient," Trench Coat argues. "Besides, we have other purchases to make here."

Jeans and Boots sighs and shakes his head. Marcie notices that his hands are clutched in front of him and he seems to be trying to twist a ring off of his hand, presumably the iron he was complaining about earlier. It's an odd choice for jewelry, but not unheard of.

"You can try butter," she chimes in, trying to inject her voice with a note of apology for eavesdropping. They turn to her, as if surprised to find someone else in the store. "But, honestly, lube works better. All of the personal care and toiletries stuff is in aisle five."

Jeans and Boots' eyes go wide as soon as she says 'lube'. She fights not to roll her eyes. He's gotta be super repressed (and she wouldn't blame him: Trenchie is certainly a looker; honestly, they both are) or a total dudebro—it's either one or the other.

Trenchie, however, just regards her solemnly and nods. "Thank you."

And with that, he marches off in the direction of aisle five. Jeans and Boots blinks, then manages to say, "Right, thanks," before hurrying off after his buddy.

Marcie finally lets her eyes roll, then goes back to straightening out the display.

 

***

 

Carmen sighs as she stares at the shelves. Of course they're out of her brand, so either she'll have to drive across town to get the tampons she wants with a car full of groceries and hope the ice cream won't melt, or she'll have to just grab a small box of something just to tide her over.

Wheeling her basket to the side, she starts perusing the boxes, trying to find one that maybe isn't as full of chemicals as the others. And then, because this is just what she needs on her already crappy morning, two guys burst into the aisle and come to a stop a few feet from her while she's got her hands full of girly products.

"Whoa, hold up, Cas," says the guy one bushy beard away from full lumberjack.

Cas, apparently, doesn't listen and just starts looking at the items on shelf in front of him, which, Carmen realizes with a choke of amusement, are condoms and lube. Without a trace of embarrassment, especially for someone who looks like a suburban dad just getting out from work, the guy grabs a box of lube, pries it open, shakes out the bottle inside, and pops the cap.

"Hold out your hand, Dean."

"Cas, man, we really need that big a bottle?"

"It won't go to waste," Suburban Dad replies easily, but there's a certain glint in his eye and Lumberjack looks like his knees are about to buckle.

"Uhhh…" he stammers.

"Hold out your hand," Suburban Dad commands again and Lumberjack does so.

Carmen's pretty sure her eyes are the size of dinner plates. They're not gonna… in _public_ , right? She's no prude, and hey, do whatever makes ya happy and consenting adults and all that, but for fuck's sake, _in a grocery store aisle?_ She tosses whatever tampons she happens to already have in her hands into her cart and scurries out of the aisle.

  


***

 

Hovik switches his basket to his other hand for the third time, lamenting he didn't just get a cart. It was supposed to be a quick trip to pick up some essentials, but then Richard had called and said his parents were stopping by and so now Hovik's trying to plan a meal on the fly for his in-laws, whom he doesn't exactly see eye-to-eye with about, well, _anything_. But they're Richard's family and so he'll be as polite and welcoming as he can, even if he'd rather carve his own eye out with a rusty spoon than talk politics with his Make-America-Great-Again-father-in-law. How Richard ended up as normal as he did will always be a mystery to Hovik.

Sighing, he makes his way over to the produce, wondering what he can whip up with minimal effort that won't have his mother-in-law frowning over how "unusual" his cooking is. _It's Armenian, not Martian. God, just because we don't deep fry everything…_

He pulls up short in the aisle when he sees a man looking contemplatively at the cucumbers and squash. The man makes no acknowledgement of Hovik or the fact that he's blocking the way. His rumpled suit and coat is certainly an odd choice for Saturday morning grocery shopping, but that's nowhere near as weird as the fact that the only other item he's holding as he stares at _cucumbers_ is _Astroglide_.

Hovik stifles a laugh into his fist and tries his best to disguise it as a cough. Damn, he's glad he's never been _that_ hard up. He wonders if he should tell the guy that there's a little shop down off Highland Street, very discreet, and there's much better stuff than _produce_ to play around with.

But that's a little more familiarity than he plans on getting into with a stranger in the vegetable aisle, and so he just murmurs, "Excuse me," so he can grab one of the flimsy little produce bags off the roll by the man's elbow.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the man says and moves away.

"Don't worry about it." Hovik grabs a couple bags, loading up one with squash. He's just tying a knot in the open end when another man saunters into the aisle, swinging a basket.

"Alright, so I got honey and I think dairy's in the next aisle," the newcomer is saying to Lube and Veggies. He pauses and frowns. "Cucumbers, Cas? Thought fairies were all into milk and honey and shit."

Wow. Rude.

"Fairies?!" And here Hovik is, thinking that this afternoon will be when he'll get his day's quota of homophobic bullshit. He's about to work himself up into a righteous fury and tell the dude off—and seriously, Lube and Veggies needs better friends—when the two men notice him and Douchebag holds up his free hand in apology.

"Oh, hey, man, sorry, that's not what we meant, really—"

Like _hell_ it isn't, and Hovik's got no problem planting a pink nailpolished fist into Douchebag's perfectly shaped face to prove the point if it comes down to it.

It doesn't, though, and Veggies and Lube pushes Douchebag back gently and faces Hovik.

"Please excuse Dean. He was referring to...our niece. She and her friends like to 'play dress up,'" he says, complete with air quotes, "and pretend to be fairies."

Hovik deflates, confused. "What?"

Douchebag's expression mirrors his own, but he blinks and snaps back into the conversation like whatever Lube and Veggies had said is obviously the truth. "Yeah, our, uh, niece. She's...six." Douchebag shrugs with an easy grin that seems to say, _Kids, you know?_

Ok, if he's telling the truth, maybe he's not a douchebag. Maybe not _entirely_.

"Oh, uh, right." Now Hovik feels like an ass. "Sorry. It's just, you hear it enough and—"

"Naw, man, I get it," Douchebag replies, putting a hand on Lube and Veggies' shoulder. "People are dicks. Sorry."

"It's fine. Um, have fun with your niece," Hovik manages to get out.

Douchebag glances at Lube and Veggies and suddenly seems to realize what else the guy is holding and he looks back at Hovik in horror. "Oh shit, that's not for our, uh, niece. That's, uh…"

Lube and Veggies holds up the Astroglide, then puts it calmly in Douchebag's basket. "I'm sure he knows what personal lubricant is for. It's not exactly a mystery."

" _Christ_ , Cas—"

"Come on, Dean. We need to get more snacks for our...niece. I think she and her friends would appreciate...healthier alternatives."

"Fine, but _cucumbers_? C'mon, that's rabbit food."

"Perhaps strawberries?"

"Better, I guess."

The two of them move off, arguing over fruits and vegetables, and Hovik shakes himself before resuming his own shopping.

Somehow, he's actually looking forward to time with his in-laws after this morning.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Dean says "fairies", meaning actual fairies, but another (queer) character thinks otherwise.
> 
> __
> 
> It's Coldest Hits Time! Since I won last month and chose [this prompt](http://spncoldesthits.tumblr.com/post/170692685290/v3ggie-tles-questionable-purchases), I'm not playing to win, so feel free to kudos and comment to your heart's desire. :)
> 
> With thank yous and apologies to [Randall Monroe](https://xkcd.com/236/).
> 
> Check out my other works (sorted by series for easier navigation):  
> [Grey's works](http://archiveofourown.org/users/grey2510/series)  
> Come visit me on Tumblr! @[grey2510](https://grey2510.tumblr.com/)


End file.
